2015-12-15-07.09.09.jpg.jpgMy unhappiness with God started back in April. That’s when my wife, Cinda, received a disturbing call from her doctor’s office. They told her that the meningioma (i.e., benign tumor) in her brain, which had been discovered four years prior, had begun to grow. She was devastated. I was angry. After all, since its initial discovery, we had prayed and believed that the tumor would either shrink or, at the very least, not grow. And, in fact, the yearly MRI’s she’d undergone since then revealed miniscule, if any, growth. That is, until this past April.

Since then, we have attended several appointments with various specialists at the Mayo Clinic – from radiologists, to oncologists, to neurologists, to neurosurgeons. All of whom have recommended surgical extraction. All of whom have given us a positive prognosis. Nonetheless, as with all medical prognoses, they have also presented the potential risks, the potential downsides, the potential side effects.

And so, I remain unhappy with God.

Since then, I have wept privately. I have wept publicly. I have wept with friends and family. I have wept with my wife. I have listened as others have tried to comfort, to console, to assure. As much as I want it to, none of this helps.

And so, I remain unhappy with God.

Since then, I have prayed with and for my wife. I have listened while others have prayed with and for her. There have been prayers for miraculous healing, prayers for peace, prayers for understanding. During these prayer times I have tried to understand how and why this could happen to her. I don’t. I can’t.

And so, I remain unhappy with God.

Since then, and even before, we have experienced a coalescence of unexplainable circumstances. Indeed, the initial discovery of the tumor was via happenstance. An MRI to attempt to diagnose a wholly unrelated hearing issue led to its discovery. After the news of its growth spurt this past April, my law firm partner asked his neighbor, who “just so happens” to be a prominent neurology physician at the Mayo Clinic, if he would take a call from me.  He agreed, and after the call this doctor consulted with a neurosurgeon who, within 24 hours, talked to my wife and scheduled an appointment to see her. If you or someone you know has ever tried getting into the Mayo Clinic within 24 hours, then you know it’s nothing short of miraculous.

Even so, I remain unhappy with God.

Quite honestly, there are times when my emotions go beyond mere unhappiness. At times, I am downright angry with God. After all, He could, if He wanted, miraculously remove the tumor. He has not. He could have, if He had wanted, prevented its formation in the first place. He did not.

Still, and please hear me on this, though I may be unhappy, and at times even angry, with God, my faith and my trust remain in Him. My hope remains on Him. My strength comes from Him.

Despite what my wife has endured to date, despite what my wife will endure until her surgery, despite what she may endure during and after her surgery, I have faith in God’s sovereignty. I have faith that He is in control. I have faith that despite what may happen, He sent His only Son to die for me. I can only trust “that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28, NIV).

We have shared Cinda’s plight with very few people. Until now, only our immediate families, our pastors, and a few of our closest friends knew. Now, of course, anyone and everyone who reads this will know.

I am not sharing this now so that people will feel badly about or sorry for us. That’s the last thing I want to do during Christmas. I am sharing this now because her surgery is just a few short weeks away (January 13, 2016), and I want to get as many people as possible praying for her between now and then. And not just for her, but also for our families, for her surgical team and their families, and for anyone we may come across during and after this time that may need ministry.

Yes, I am unhappy with God. But I know that He is in control. I know that He loves me. I know that he loves Cinda. I know that, despite my feelings toward Him, He is not unhappy with me. I can do nothing but take solace in the following words of Christ: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV).

Please, if you will, pray for my wife.